FANTASIZE FOR THE FUTURE
“Utopias have something to do with failure and tell us more about our own limits and weaknesses than they do about perfect societies.”
— from Utopia and Failure by Fredric Jameson, 2010
In a world where it is easier to imagine the end of the world than it is to imagine that anything will actually change, do we end up building a world that we don’t want? We have endless apocalypse movies coming out of Hollywood, countless bunkers being built by fearful people who might even believe in zombies, and we even have the world’s richest people flinging themselves into outer space, seemingly abandoning the rest of us on a dying planet.
I had a client recently who had a hard time allowing themself to fantasize sexually... or really to fantasize about anything. We kept tracking all the negative thought patterns that were interrupting. There was societal messaging about what is “OK” to imagine, and internal dialogues about what they were allowed to even have. It left me wondering — what do we even allow ourselves to dream?
In Fredric Jameson’s essay he insists “that you can’t fail unless you try to succeed, and that you have to imagine your perfect society in good faith before you conclude that you have not been able to do so.” Unless, that is, we have a desire to fail. Is it too trivial to allow ourselves to dream? Do we judge ourselves for even allowing a possibility of something better, different, maybe even splendid? That just isn’t how time works… at least not in the most famous story ever told — we began in a perfect garden and end where only the “saved” go to heaven… the rest of us are forced to suffer it out here on Earth for eternity. But what if time is cyclical, not linear? Can we instead look to nature for inspiration? She is full of cycles of death and rebirth — we are surrounded by it.
As a self-proclaimed escapist (and optimist), I spend a lot of time in fantasy. I daydream about lovers and moss-covered mountaintops. I long for starry nights and sinking my cold hands into warm skin. I yearn for the crackle of a cozy fire and someone’s soft lips on my neck. I could go on. Does this set me up for failure? Or do I just get to relish the moments when they finally happen? Truth be told, these are moments that have happened, and I want them to continue happening. I don’t want my fantasy to end; I want to return to it. The problem is that I do judge myself. I tell myself all kinds of things like, I have to “get real” or “it’s just a fantasy.” But what if fantasy is how we build a different future?
I’m writing this in the aftermath of the CNN article about the Rape Academy. TW: the article mentions rape in very graphic detail. If you can stomach it, I recommend that you read it so that we do NOT become desensitized... long story short: there were 62 million views in February to a website where men are sharing photos, videos, tips and tricks on how to drug and rape their wives in their sleep. I made a post about it on my Instagram, wondering why after 10 days not a single man in my life had even mentioned it or brought it up, let alone checked in on me. I said that it isn’t the job of women, trans, and non-binary people to fix this issue — it is a problem that cis men have to face, as a culture. Statistically, 99% of rapes are perpetrated by men, and of those 80–85% were known to their victim/survivor, according to CalPoly Humboldt’s website.
To no surprise, men on the internet chimed in with their unsolicited opinions, and now I am being trolled by a man who has called me “fat, obese, bitter, narcissistic,” and said that “no one would care if I died tomorrow.” Many of the comments were just confused because they hadn’t heard about it, and some clearly didn’t want to feel responsible. I solicited some friends to help me in the comment section, against my better judgment to simply ignore them. But I suppose I took the bait, because I am an optimist. I dream of a better future — one in which we can actually change some of the horrendous present realities that we live in today.
So, in my fantasy, I dream of an Earth that is peaceful, full of life and love. I dream of the cycle bringing us toward verdant spring, with cherry blossoms and lilacs wafting through the air. If utopias are about failure and limits, then like seasonal cycles, our attempts to build better worlds will involve dying back and returning stronger, more colorful, more sensual.
What does this have to do with sex, intimacy, and relationship coaching?
If utopias teach us more about our limits than perfection, then coaching becomes the place where we test those limits — we imagine better, fail, learn, and try again. The coaching container is described as a “relationship laboratory.” We test things, try them out, fail, and fail again, until discover something good. . . really good.
For me as a coach, Jameson’s point means that fantasizing isn’t frivolous: it’s the first, necessary attempt at creating a different life. So often, my clients haven’t been granted an opportunity to actually think about what it is that they desire. People socialized as women are often the objects of desire, but aren’t taught that they get to have desire. We are slut-shamed or forced into these extremely binary roles as “Madonna” or “Whore.” Society projects onto us its version of what we should be, how we should look, and how we should behave. Of course, men can’t escape their own set of expectations either. They’ve just had a lot more agency, historically.
In a recent session with a client while I was guiding her through an embodiment practice, I invited her pussy to come along. We simply allowed the sensations between her legs to be present, maybe even invited some gentle engagement of the pelvic floor. This simple act of permission awakened something in her and I could FEEL her life force burst out of her. And, in every session since that first one, she is more aware of what SHE desires and what she does not. THIS IS EMPOWERMENT.
I coach people through tapping into their desires and celebrating their fantasies. I help people process disappointment if their fantasy can never be a reality (especially the challenging ones). I coach people through asking for what they want, and saying no to what they don’t want.
When clients tell me they ‘can’t’ fantasize, I hear Jameson — their failure to imagine a better sexual life tells us where cultural limits and fears live. If you are happy with complacent, “JUST OK” sex, then great! But if you want more... That is where I can help. If you want a different reality, or to build a different future in your relationships, it starts with allowing yourself to dream and to fail. That perfect society may never exist, just like the perfect relationship. But we must try in earnest if we are to ever get close.
blog post image: Hieronymus Bosch, The Garden of Earthly Delights, oil on oak panels, 205.5 cm × 384.9 cm (81 in × 152 in), Museo del Prado, Madrid
